“I love you a lot.”
“You are so smart.”
“Rip my clothes off.”
Although I’m fairly certain that most men I know would enjoy hearing any of these three four-word sentences from a spouse, there is another sentiment that trumps all of these: “You make me happy.”
A woman I know recently told me a story about her marriage that drives home my theory that men very much want and need this validation from their spouse.
One recent morning, this woman’s husband of 18 years decided to be very helpful around the house (for reasons unknown, according to her.) He took the dog out first thing in the morning, drove to a deli and picked up bagels for his family, and threw in a load of laundry. He then did the ultimate: unloaded the dishwasher. Later that morning, the woman said to her husband, “Thank you. This makes me really happy.” His reaction? She said she has never seen his face light up like it did. In other words, he was elated.
So, why does a man love hearing he makes his spouse happy? I think one reason is because men get great satisfaction and obtain self-esteem and self-assurance from knowing they did something right.
For a more in-depth discussion on this topic, I reached out to Anita Chlipala, a Chicago-based licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in couples therapy. Chlipala said she agrees with me “100 percent.”
“Men view it as ‘their job’ to make their woman happy. It’s the role they take on in the relationship,” said Chlipala, who has been in practice for over 10 years. “A man wants to be desired and to feel like his woman adores him and approves of him just the way he is without wanting to change him.”
Chlipala, who is the author of the book, “First Comes Us: The Busy Couple’s Guide To Lasting Love,” said that men have a tendency to feel like they might be disappointing their spouse, and that they can’t live up to her expectations. They fear that. These feelings can cause resentment, or they can cause a man to just stop trying. They may even cause him to check out of the relationship emotionally.
“When a woman is unhappy, whether it’s because of her spouse or something that has nothing to do with him, he wants to fix it right away and move on,” Chlipala said. “So, men end up minimizing the spouse’s feelings and she feels like she was not heard. ‘He’s never there for me’ is a top complaint I hear from women. Rather than a quick solution, which is what the guy wants, the woman just wants him to listen, to empathize and to validate her feelings.”
According to Chlipala, women need to be direct with requests, and men need to attune to their spouse.
“Women need to communicate their needs instead of assume their spouse knows what they want,” she said. “As for men, when the spouse makes a bid for his attention, affection or support, he should meet it by acknowledging the bids and being there for her. This will make a woman feel like she can trust her spouse, and feel emotionally safe with him.”
Here’s the thing: Men feel uncomfortable when their spouse feels sad or disappointed or fearful, even when the feelings have nothing to do with them. They also feel responsible for the spouse’s feelings. I remember this with my dear, sweet, father. Whatever was wrong in my life, he tried to fix it. I actually catch myself trying to do that for my kids. But the reality is, unless it has to do with the relationship, most things cannot be fixed or solved by a spouse or by Mom. All we can do is listen support, and maybe offer advice. And really, that’s all a woman wants her spouse to do.
So, when a woman says “You make me happy,” the universe seems perfect to a man, because his spouse isn’t experiencing feelings that make him uncomfortable, and he feels no pressure to try to fix anything.
Lastly, I want to emphasize to men and women the importance of saying “You make me happy” if that’s how you feel. Not only do those words express your appreciation and the gratitude you have for your spouse, but they motivate the person to keep going – to continue doing things that might generate more of that coveted praise. What a wonderful cycle that can be created!
One final note to husbands who might be reading this. I just emptied the dishwasher. It took me three minutes and 42 seconds. That’s a really short time for a pretty large payoff, don’t you think?
Jackie Pilossoph is a freelance columnist for Chicago Tribune Media Group. She is also the creator of her divorce support website, Divorced Girl Smiling. Pilossoph lives in Chicago with her two children.
