how do you actually learn to love yourself?
When it came to self-love, I used to think— isn’t loving yourself an inherent practice that you automatically have? Is it not an instinct you naturally have once you enter the world? I keep myself up, is that not proof that I love myself? I cut people off left & right when I feel wronged, is that not evidence of self-love? I’m hard on myself when I make mistakes, so that I can be better and not make them again, that confirms that I love myself, right? The truth is, self love is not a one size fits all— the best way to love yourself is in the way that works best for you.
Having a social media platform the centers self-love, I often get asked the question, ‘how do you learn to love yourself?’ It’s also the question that I had that initially jumpstarted my self-love journey. So, on this self-love day, I wanted to take some time and share a little about my journey.
the beginning— what I thought self love was:
As a child, I was always told that I should love myself, but I don’t ever remember being taught what that should look like. I was told what ‘lady like’ behaviors should show others that I loved myself such as dressing a certain way, acting a certain way, speaking a certain way, not hanging out with certain crowds, etc. The message I received was that the more ‘lady like’ I appeared to be to others then the more I would appear to love myself, and thus I would receive a life of ease, free of hard love as a result.
My introduction to self-love was on the basis of appearance and perception, controlling a narrative guided by societal standards that I actually had no control of. I was under the impression that portraying myself in a certain way would control how others perceived me, thus giving me some control over how others treated me. I anchored myself in being the ‘good girl,’ following the rules, and doing all the ‘right’ things— I thought by doing this, by showing people that l loved myself, that it would for sure shield me from mistreatment, and I would have earned enough ‘good girl/self love’ credit to be deserving of all that I wanted. I’m sure you can guess, things did not pan out that way at all.
My earliest memory of feeling disconnected from this version of self-love, and questioning whether or not it was the correct route to obtain it, was in 3rd grade. Everything I was taught about self-love came into question when doing the ‘right’ things did not shield me from rejection or being teased, nor did it make my crush like me back— being the ‘good girl’ did not make me less insecure about my appearance, and following the rules did not get me the attention that I wanted. I kept hold of those values for most of my life because 3rd grade was just my first experience, so I expected that other experiences would be different. I thought that maybe if I kept being ‘good’, following rules, doing the ‘right’ things, being a pillar of perfection that it’ll pay off, and I’ll be rewarded with the love and attention that I so desperately wanted— well, it did not pay off, or at least not in the way that I wanted, but definitely in the way that I needed.
the start of the journey— the unlearning:
Around the time that I was in grad school, I had worn myself thin with trying to earn love from romantic partners and friends. The path I was on had gotten me no where near close to what I was told the payoff would be. I had experienced heartbreak after heartbreak, and I got to the point where I was just fed up. It was around this time, 2014, that I started watching ‘Iyanla Fix My Life’. A lot of the episodes gave great examples of what self-love did and did not look like, and it was a heavy realization when I accepted that many of those episodes were a reflection of my behaviors, and the behaviors that I witnessed from a young age. I did everything ‘right,’ how could I not love myself? How could I possibly have some responsibility in the way that I was treated? I’m the ‘good girl,’ I couldn’t possibly be responsible! Oh, but I was. I held great responsibility and didn’t even know it.
I remember feeling so detached from myself. I was portraying a version of who I was told that I should be in order to get the things that I should want. Wild thing is, at that time, I didn’t even know what I was chasing and why I was chasing it. I was just doing it because that’s what I was told that I should want— that’s what I was told would make me a woman that was wanted and respected. Little did I know that it is not that simple, and I was not prepared for the hurdles and mountains I’d meet trying to obtain it. And because it wasn’t easy for me to get what I was chasing, I assumed something was wrong with me. I was insecure about my appearance, so I assumed that I was undesirable, and thus had to make up for it and be attractive in other ways. So, I prided myself on being a church-going girl, educated, independent, with a cool personality, hella dependable, never said no, always available, overly understandable, gave multiple chances, wasn’t confrontational— I mean, good girl in full blown effect. Who in their right mind wouldn’t want me?— spoiler alert, a lot of people didn’t want me, or at least they didn’t want me in the ways that I wanted them.
So, I started following Iyanla’s suggestions and began doing the work, and man! I did not like the revelation that I received about myself. The whole time I thought that I was loving myself, I was actually doing the complete opposite— dishonoring myself in so many ways that I was unaware of. I started to consider what my life would look like if I truly invested myself into what I wanted and who I wanted to be. I wanted to discover who I was and get to know her. I wanted to connect with myself because for so long I felt like I was only a body— I did not feel like me. People would describe me, and I would be confused as to who they were describing because their perception of me didn’t seem accurate. I was not connected to the person that I had worked so hard to convince people that I was.
I started asking myself questions and requiring an answer. I was no longer accepting an ‘I don’t know’ from myself because I knew that in order to change my behavior, I had to figure out what underlying issue was causing it. There was an issue that I couldn’t see that I was allowing to control me, and I no longer wanted to feel powerless to myself, especially to a version of myself that I didn’t feel connected to. I explored so many versions of what I thought self-love should be or how it should make me feel. I thought that keeping myself up, ‘treating’ myself, and buying myself nice things was self-love. I expected to feel a certain way after I did those things, but all I ended up with was debt along with piles of clothes and items that filled my closet, but did not build the connection I was searching for nor did it bridge the gap between myself and self-love.
the lifelong journey— learning & relearning self-love:
I started taking care of myself differently. I started doing the work to change my mindset about myself and about self-love. I started holding myself accountable, but also giving myself grace when I made mistakes. One of the biggest changes I made was that I started speaking to myself differently. I started speaking to myself like I cared about my feelings—
‘Asha, you know better, but you’re human, and you’re allowed to make mistakes. you deserve better from yourself, you’re deserve better than what you’re accepting, and you can choose better going forward.’
I stopped limiting myself to only deserving love in the absence of mistakes, and I moved to being a person that deserved love even with mistakes… a person that deserved my own love instead of only seeking it from others.
I let go of the ‘shoulds’ that I held myself hostage to. I felt captive by, “I should’ve known that, I should’ve figured it out before it even happened, I should be doing this, I should’ve known better, I shouldn’t be this way, I should be over it by now, I should be doing better, I should have this by now, I should be in a certain place by now, I should be anywhere but where I am”— the ‘shoulds’ ran me crazy, therefore they had to go. They were not conducive to the version of myself that I was working so hard to become. I was working to be a woman that loved herself as is with what she had, and for that, the ‘shoulds’ could no longer take up anymore space in my life.
I started taking it easy on myself. Being hard on myself did not produce what I thought it would— maybe I was able to get things done, but I felt horrible after doing it. I didn’t like myself because I was my worse critic, the most unforgiving person I had encountered. So, I started telling myself,
‘Asha, it’s okay. You’re doing the best you can. Your best is enough. You are enough.'
To that end, I became my biggest supporter. In learning who I was and building that relationship with myself, I created a safe space for me to lean on. I became soft with myself which caused me to automatically turn inward, instead of outward— I started saying things like,
‘Asha, you’re okay. you’re safe, you can do this, you’re strong enough to handle this, you’re courageous enough to face this, you got this.’
Nowadays, when I say that I love me, I mean it. My self love is no longer surface level, it runs DEEP. I love me because I accept me— flaws, mistakes, past, and all. I love me because I’m gentle with me, and I embrace me. I love me because I’m my best encourager and supporter. I love me because I feel safe with me, and I protect me. I love me because I found me important enough to take the time to get to know me. I love me because I see me, fully, and I still choose me.
I could talk/write forever and a day about my journey to self-love, in its past and present form. I started this journey in 2014, and everyday it’s still an ongoing practice where I have to learn how to love the version I am presently and learn how to take care of her in the way that she needs— and I do it without hesitation because I choose to be my constant reminder that I’m worth the effort. If I’m honest, even with all that I’ve written, I still haven’t touched the surface. This topic is something so dear to me, and I plan on continuing the conversation in more publications. In the meantime, listed below are a few journal prompts, action steps, and affirmations to fully embrace the theme of today, February 13, which is self-love day.
prompt: when you think about your self-love, what does it feel like— what do you need from you to feel loved?
action step: choose one way that you’ll allow yourself to feel your own love today.
affirmation: “I deserve to experience my own love in its fullness.”
prompt: when you think about your self-love, what does it sound like— what do you need to hear from you?
action step: think about what you need to hear the most today— be gentle with you & say it out loud, look in the mirror and say it to yourself, repeat it as many times as you need to.
affirmation: “I am enough, just as I am.”
prompt: when you think about your self-love, what does it look like— in what ways do you need to show up for you?
action step: think about something for you that you have pushed off to the side and make it your priority today.
affirmation: “I am worthy of being a priority. I am worthy of being first in my own life.”
I hope the information above is helpful. Below, I’ve listed suggestions for a song, podcast, and book that center self-love. I hope today, and everyday after, you’re able to see how much you truly deserve you— your own time, your own attention, your own love.
happy self-love day <3
